| hahaha...and i said i quit xanga..oh well wutever~~~~~~just enjoying summer =P |
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| no regrets. not at all. =) all is good. |
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|  sunny sunny sunny day~~~~lalalalala. me happy |
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| i just wrote a crazy super long boring annoying stupid entry of rambling. hahaha...this is fun~~~@@" me deprived of sleep. yes i am indeed. |
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| apparently my plan to use xanga as a freelance writing block for all my twisted opinions abt life in general has sadly failed. wahaha...seems like i can no longer write interesting and meaningful things, so i stopped updating. why is that? well unfortunately my ability to write long and strongly opinionated essays fluctuates over time and there are just moments when i have no intelligent things to say. same thing with my temperament. there are so many times in life when i refrain from saying wut's on my mind. two reason, first: i force myself into calming down and think abt it cuz it seems to me like those things are just so little and acceptable, the problem is just with me i guess, and sometimes i don't even think i have the right to get bitter abt things and even if i did i guess i'm afraid that if i let it out impulsively i stand to lose precious things. second: i really don't know how to get it out even though it might be bugging me overwhelmingly beneath the surface. internal frustration never seem to convey into outward anger for some reason. so it ends up either devour me piece by piece or just fade away as i come to my logical senses and see how childish i am. and even when it does convery, it's always at the wrong person (sorry carol and linda, i've put u two through so much of my irrational rants abt absolutely nothing, i guess emotional fluctuations do get to each and every single one of us, i'm no exception=( ) i think i need to work really hard to control that cuz gosh there's just way more better things in life to worry abt hehe. and finding joy in little things has become such exhilerating experience. yet the bad thing abt that is it builds up and makes u look forward to more joyful things. and i guess when things in ur life don't work out perfectly the way u really want them to, u get disappointed. and even though u know fairly well that u have all the time in the world, sometimes u still question whether or not u truely do have all the time in the world. afterall, time is a valuable thing that can never come back. it's money but not really cuz money flows and u can always accumulate ur wealth but can u accumulate time? (yes no more econ haha, see wut gateman does to me?! @@) ahhh...now i really do understand why they say that when u fall really hard, or even in the process of falling, every simple thing becomes grander. or perhaps that's precisely when u realize that ur actually falling maybe for the first time ever in ur life and u suddenly find urself in this vulnerable and scary spot where u sometimes don't know wut to do, becuz god forbid u've never being in this state before...EVER. and that's when u turn to ppl and draw on their experiences and become even more clueless and confused cuz every person tells u contradictory things and all provide good reason. so now ur again by urself and u think ok so maybe i should just go sleep on it and in the morning everything would be fine again. and yes things WILL be fine in the morning but wut abt the night? u know wut u feel in ur heart, u feel it strongly and constantly but ur tiny stupid brain just puts unreasonable things into ur mind to make u wander around. and f*ck to school and work and parents cuz they just add even more chaos to the interesting life u already have. but i love my life, except for the little quirks along the road. so yes, i think i should go sleep on it and wake up feeling refreshed and happy =) |
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